on hobbies and giving up
As a little kid in middle school.. growing up I always knew I wanted to be some sort of artist. Whether that was drawing, singing, being in a band, writing. I loved it all so much and was always listening to/analyzing music and lyrics, drawing on my notes, or writing poetry in my diary. My little pre-teen romance was with another emo-esque boy so we definitely would just exchange poetry that would probably make me gag if I were to read it now, 17 years later. It got destroyed a long time ago though, and I really wish I still had it honestly just because I can never get over anything ever. Anyway... all I ever did growing up was just create things. I never ever worried about if it was good or if other people would like it. I never worried about something being perfect. I was proud of what I made.
I'm not sure if social media eventually started playing a part in this or if it's just a symptom of getting older and more self-conscious. Eventually I just started to care too much about whether what I made was good enough. Even if it was good enough for myself.. and I always found myself comparing my things to other people that I saw. Soon I just got into the mindset of, "well I'll never be that good, so why even bother?" I also felt this way about writing and music. I wanted to be in a band as a kid. This was dashed by me just thinking, "how can I write a song this good?"
It feels like all the songs have already been written... all the good ideas already had. I struggle with thinking how to put my own spin on things. How can I make something better that already exists? What if it's not good? What if no one likes it? I am so paralyzed by wanting to be good or perfect that if I do something and it's not immediately a masterpiece, I give up. I have spent my entire life being my own worst enemy, biggest critic, and just generally holding myself back.
The thing is, I don't even know how to break this cycle. I miss so badly just being a kid and doing things just to do them. Not worrying about other people's or even my own approval. When did I become so harsh on myself, and why?
I've been limiting my use of social media and when I am on it, I'm mostly just keeping up with my favorite musicians. I've also been pushing myself to practice guitar at LEAST 30 minutes a day every day and draw a little bit too, even if it never gets shared. Another thing that is tough is just living in the world now where we feel like everything needs to be shared. I guess that's kinda hypocritical since I'm sharing this very post haha, but I digress. I think a lot of it also is just fatigue from being an adult. I work a full time job that although I don't hate and I love my coworkers, it's not what I envisioned for my life. I feel to some degree, I let my younger self down. Although I'm sure maybe she'd just be happy to see that I'm still around.
Overall, I'm not sure what the point of me writing all this was except to say that I feel like I want to do so many different things and yet I'm stuck doing nothing because of fear of failure, comparison to others, and just fatigue from responsibilities.
feel free to email me thoughts if u want
Here's a little drawing I've been working on... it's Frankie from MCR. I feel like I will always love making fanart.
