i am perceived
Sometimes there are moments where feel like maybe no one would even care if I were gone.
It's really odd because I definitely am surrounded by so many amazing people in my life. I can't remember a time where l've never had this thought... so l assume l've just always felt this way. When I was a kid, I was definitely more of a loner and more on the autoast side life. Maybe I'm just conditioned to feel this way after feeling like that for so long. I'm sure though that with the stress and burnout nowadays, that everyone feels this way at some point or another.
The thing about this though is sometimes even in the smallest things, I feel the most joy. Just seeing and experiencing these things gives me a small reminder that people do perceive me, care about me, and even remember things about me. It's enough to kick the idea back in my brain that I do matter. Sometimes it feels all too easy to just feel like you're fading into the mundane and blending into the same grey background.
I guess what inspired me to think about this was a friend that I work with, not even knowing if l was on the schedule that day, saving an extra habenero dip for me for the pineapple pizza that we always beg our boss to get during pizza day. Just her thinking of me and the mutual connection of bonding over something as small as favorite pizza types is so reflective of the human experience. So so so fleeting, and just buzzing around any mutual connections like the most beautiful flower. Another girl I work with remembered my pink converse, despite me not wearing them for quite a few months.
Little things like these are just so special to me and such a good reminder to take a minute and realize that people notice and care more about you than you think they do.